Random
7/22/2023
So. What's been going on with my life lately? Well, I think I have obtained a new motivation to get my life together. I'm feeling
pretty good, for the most part. I started Hello Fresh, so hopefully that will be good for me because I am very lazy and never go
to the grocery store, meaning I never have food, meaning I either buy takeout or just skip meals. Fun. But anyways. Hopefully that
will help me start eating better because I think not eating very healthy is contributing to my tiredness and laziness and all that
jazz.
I also have been listening to podcasts which is whatever. I like this one called "Ologies" and I listen to it whenever I can. I really
do love learning. I've decided to add a minor in Marine Sciences. So my plan: B.S. in Aerospace Engineering; M.S. in Mechanical
Engineering; minors in Mathematics, Astronomy and Astrophysics, and Marine Science; certificate in Engineering leadership; possibly a PhD in something
(like physics or something with space). Yay school. I want to delay my ascent into the real world as much as I can.
I signed up for my next half Ironman this December in Haines City. I think this is good. It always gives me more motivation to have
a race in mind. Right now, I'm still in my internship, and it's hard to get workouts in, but once school starts up in the fall, I'll
get back into the swing of things. I want to do a full next September in Maryland. My goal is to do this half in December, the Panama
City half in May, and the Maryland full in September. I am really excited. This has given me a purpose. I am going to crush my schooling
and crush my training, and it will all be grand. I have already started designing the Ironman tattoo I want to get.
I was thinking last night about the Etsy shop I want to start up. I think I am going to commit to it in the fall. Starting with mainly
coasters and keychains and a custom option where people can send in ideas and I can design and print them. This is another thing
that will give me purpose and also help me fund for the expensive races I am planning on doing.
I've decided I want to become a gamer. I don't know why. Just something for fun I guess. Just like PC games. Maybe xbox if my brother
wants to give me his old one. So many hobbies I want to do. Ugh. Okay. So, roll call: reading (duh), gaming, 3D printing, doodling (oh
how I want to be an artist), blogging, writing fanfic and my book (that I have actually started!), triathlon. I think that's it... for
now. I also have a bunch of paper making stuff that I don't know what to do with. Maybe I'll save the paper making for gifts and stuff.
Like cards.
Now let's talk about the tattoos I want in the future because why not. Number one is my Ironman tattoo, as I have already mentioned.
It is already in the works. Next, I really want some sort of space tattoo because I love space. I want like a galaxy with maybe an
astronaut and a rocket or something. I'm thinking my left arm for that one. I also want a back tattoo. Not quite sure what I want, but
I saw this cool design of a skeletal hand reaching up, with the arm down your spine, and the hand sort of grabbing your neck? Idk I saw
it on tik tok. I also thing a sword down the back would be rad. I don't have any more ideas for the time being.
I want to get a tongue piercing, I think. Just because. I like that it's pretty much hidden and then just a little surprise when you
want to show it off. I've had quite a few ear piercings and a belly button piercing, but I took them all out because over the years they
just really started to irritate me. Plus, I exercise so much and they sometimes just get in the way. Anyways, I feel like a tongue piercing
would be less irritating to me. Who knows. I still need to save up so it won't be for a little while. Probably.
Hmm. I don't think there was anything else I want to say. I will keep updating about how my training for my Ironman is going. I'll probably
make a blog post about it eventually. Either after the full, about my whole experience and training. Or just about training for a half for
beginners. Anyways. That's all. Goodbye.
The problem with having a vagina
I'm reading some of the rants I've written in the past and they are so fucking funny I was very dramatic (nothing's changed)
and I feel they are worthy of sharing so here's one from 2020:
So i threw up today. Fuck me. It sure does absolutely fucking suck to be a girl. Being born with a vagina could quite possibly
have been the literal worst thing to happen to me. Today i wanted to actually shoot myself in the head and tomorrow it will
probably be the same. I am not kidding. Driving home from volunteering (after leaving early because my cramps were just that bad)
i was seriously debating crashing my car into a tree just so i could end my pain. I didn’t do that, clearly, as i am sitting here
writing this but i am not lying when i say it was a near thing. I got home, popped in a couple pills of Midol (i already had 2
Aleve this morning), tried to draw myself a hot bath (which didn’t help at all), ate one single pretzel because all i’d eaten so
far was a muffin this morning, and promptly puked my guts out right there on the kitchen floor. Yay me.
What even is the point of a period? Like is it just the universe making it THAT much harder to be a woman in society? I don’t
get it. We have to be the ones getting all fat and carrying a child for 9 months. We have to be the ones always sexualized. We
have to be the ones always told to cover up (like what the fuck? It’s literally just a fucking human body sit the fuck down Carl).
We have to be the ones to have these stupid fucking periods every fucking month where we bleed nonstop for at least a couple days
and have these gut-stabbing, kill-me-now cramps that seem to just never end. I missed work for this. I’ve missed school for this.
If men really want to stand on their fucking soap boxes and preach how easy life is as a woman, i hope those men die a slow and
painful death. Especially if you’re a rich white man standing on that pedestal, you can shut your mouth because you literally,
historically have the easiest life out of anyone. Blacks are still discriminated against TO THIS DAY. Immigrants are still not
considered equal TO THIS DAY. Women are still thought of as lesser than men TO THIS DAY. i’m not saying ANYONE’S life is easy
because everyone has problems and obstacles to overcome. That being said, what i’m saying is that NO ONE should have the right
to tell me (or anyone else) that i have it easy.
Look maybe i’m being a bit dramatic. Maybe i’m over exaggerating. But what-the fuck-ever. You don’t know me and i don’t know
you so stay the fuck out of my business and i’ll stay out of yours. Thank you and goodbye.
Never My Little Girl
The Transition (from a father's perspective)
once upon a time, my daughter was born
the best day of my life, i thought
my little girl
my crying little girl
i was overjoyed
i vowed
anything was hers
everything was hers
for her
anything
i vowed to raise her right
she would never be wanting
she would never be sad
my little girl
but the days passed
and she was sad
and she was wanting
and one day, she died
my little girl came to me
and she said
"Dad I am not your little girl"
and so that day she died
and so that day i mourned
and so that day i grieved
denial was first
"Of course you're my little girl"
my vow
breaking
my little girl
always my little girl
(always?)
never
she was never my little girl
and she didn't die that day
because she was never born
my son
my son trapped
trapped in the body of someone he was not
not my little girl
but my little boy
too much time wasted
wasted on my little girl who never was
i didn't understand
i couldn't
why had He taken my little girl from me
anger
denial
anger
sadness
tears
tears for my little girl
tears for my little boy
understanding
anger
why would He do this to my little boy
why would He trap him so
time wasted in denial
time wasted in anger
time wasted
on the road to acceptance
understanding
my son
my son was born and he is here
he was always here
and so i was wrong
it was this day
the birth of my son
the happiest day of my life
my little girl was born crying but my little boy was born smiling
with pride
he was no longer sad
he was no longer wanting
my vow fulfilled
i was always proud
proud of my little girl
but prouder of my little boy
my son who has taken on the hardest task
the most difficult journey
to show the world who he is inside.
**So basically I read a book, had some thoughts, and decided to write them down at 3am. This was the product. I am not trans, so
I have no idea what it's like. This is my take on a father who has a trans son. A father who doesn't understand, but loves
his child, no matter what, as every father should. I don't fucking know. Just read it and don't judge me.**
7/9/2024
So I'm starting this life helper app thingy because I was scrolling on instagram in bed and I saw an ad that said, word for word,
"need help getting out of bed everyday" or something like that and I felt attacked so here I am $30 later!
So on this first day, I am supposed to make a commitment contract. I need to visualize what my life would be like if I didn't
procrastinate and how procrastination negatively affects me. Yatta yatta yatta. So I thought I'd write down my thoughts here.
Let's see... If I didn't put off my chores, buying food, eating food, going to work, exercising, etc. I would be living a healthier
life all around. I'd be more energized, and therefore hopefully not as tired all the time. Hopefully it'll put my sleep
schedule back on track, so I can actually get up in the morning, maybe get a workout in, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
Not only do I need to eat healthier, I need to eat more. I often put off buying groceries even when the store is right across
the street. No groceries means no food. I know it's contributing to other aspects of my life, but I just can't seem to stop the
cycle. Lastly, I need to clean more. Just need to keep my place clean instead of leaving everything to pile up.
I know all this is going to come down to cutting my reading time. Whenever I tell people that I read, they're always like "omg
so smart" but little do they know that my binge reading is no better than their binge watching. I read on my ipad, so I'm
still staring at a screen. I read into all hours of the night, so my sleep is still messed up. The only difference is that
when you're watching something, you can multitask, but when you're reading something, you can't. At least not me. I don't even
like to walk on the treadmill or anything when I read because I like to be in my little bed blanket cacoon. When I binge read
I end up reading a book a day. It depends on the book if I can stop in the middle. Usually for romance books and such, I like
to read them all the way through because I feel like I lose the magic if I sleep on it. I CAN'T LOSE THE MAGIC. I just love love.
Anyways, my goals right now are to establish a proper routine for getting what I need done and eat some goddamn healthy food for once.
Silent? Or silenced?
i screm
i scream and scream
scream with all my heart
i scream my guilt and my empathy
my regret and my sympathy
my failures
i scream so loud but my lips are shut
my heart wails but i remain soundless
i scream in fear
fear of the creations of man
fear of the thoughts of man
men and others
men and no others
men
my lips are sewn shut as i scream and scream
sewn by the fingers of the patriarchy
my head's crowded with thoughts
my chest's roaring with screams
but i lay still
motionless
soundless
i sleep and wait
until the next day
and the next
i wait
i scream
i am silent
silenced.
**FUCK YOU I CAN DO WHAT I WANT THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't even care if this is cringey so don't judge me and go away,
respectfully.**
Me and Books
this week has actually been great. don't have a valentine (sadly? who knows) but we did galentines last night which was fun.
had some good food. watched some good movies. i've been less anxious lately i think because i've been having a great time with
the roommies. but it's still hard for me to sleep with all the thoughts in my head. what i really need to do is blog then. to get
out all my thoughts. but then i feel like i'd just be pushing my sleep schedule back farther. anyways, reading helps. always has.
so. me and books. books are my escape. they're my sanity. they're the reason i have high standards in men (and women? who knows).
i think books sometimes make me feel more lonely than i already do. but i'll never tell anyone that. maybe it's a natural feeling.
to feel lonely when reading. i mean post-book depression hits hard. that i know is a thing. but the loneliness i feel will never
stop me from reading. books are my drug. they're addictive. as soon as i finish one, i need another to take my mind off the
depression. the loneliness. i suppose it depends on the book, though. those feelings. and how much the book meant to me. i just
finished Sorcery of Thorns. it was good. not amazing. not sure if i'll write a review on it or not. probably not. i did say that
i wouldn't review every book i read. anyways, that book didn't give me too much depression. not too much loneliness. i think it
was too YA for me if that makes sense? i mean the main character is 16. i was so hyper focused on her being so young. it was still
a great novel but i think that and the fact that it's a standalone made me not connect to it so much. i haven't decided which book
or book series to start next. i'm on a magic kick. like an action/adventure/romance/dystopian kick. if anyone sees this, leave
recommendations.
so i've read like almost 500 books since i've started to love reading. i'm almost done with what is probably my complete list.
obviously i've probably forgotten to add some to the list. but i've stored them on this app that i hope i can link here. that would
be cool to share. the books i like range from murder mystery to action to romance and more. i like strong female characters. i am
a feminist after all. i don't think i could make it through a book from a man's pov. ew. unless of course it was a gay romance.
of that genre i've read plenty. like i said, i'm back in my YA/NA fantasy novel era. trying to stray from my gay romance era because
i don't want it to seem like i'm fetishizing it? idk. i feel like fantasy is a safer genre for some reason. makes me feel more
stable. who knows what that means. certainly not me. anyways that's what i'm doing now. in between books, i like to read fanfiction
about my favorite books, of course. i like fanfiction because i am very particular about when i start new books. i can't, for
example, start a new book when i want to fall asleep within and hour. just no. i also can't read anything in the morning.
preferably during the day at all, but sometimes it can't be avoided, considering i like reading my books in one sitting. i've
gotten better about that recently. i've been able to read for a couple hours each night. but that's with the fantasy novels i
think. my gay romances? or any romance for that matter? yeah those are read without stopping. i feel like you lose the connection
to the book when you sleep on it you know? my ideal time to start a book of about 300 pages is like 3pm. start at 3, read til 10
or 11. perfect. repeat the next day. see that's hard to do when you're in school. over the summer, i was reading a book a day.
now, more like 2 books a week. which i still enjoy. that's another reason i switched back to fantasy. again, i could never do
that with my juicy, smutty romance. that's just the truth.
alright so i'm just dumping all my thoughts about my love of books and reading. i mentioned that i don't like reading during the
day. my ideal reading space would be like a dimly lit cave of blankets. my little reading cave. isn't there a saying that more
truths are spoken in the dark? i don't know if that's related. i just feel more comfortable reading at night. like it's more
intimate somehow. like i can build a deeper connection to the book in the dark. that's probably the same with people. how should
i know. anyways, that leads me into my dislike of paper books. there. i said it. i know i know. i'm a horrible person, but whatever.
i've spoken my truth. i don't like paper books. i much prefer ebooks. i love reading on my ipad. first of all, reading digitally
allows me to read all hours into the night without a reading light. now that's my kinda night. also it's just so convenient having
all your books in one spot, available at the touch of a finger. since i read so many books, so fast because i'm a loner with nobody
and nothing to do, it's so nice to just buy a book and be able to read it literally 2 seconds later. i can't imagine finishing a
book and not being able to immediately start the next book. can't imagine having to wait 2-3 business days to get the next in the
series. or having to actually leave my bed to go buy it. gross. i know so many people are gung ho about paper books. loving the
smell and feel of them or whatever, but i just don't care. my favorite thing about reading is actually reading. not the touch
and feel of a book in my hand. maybe those people think i just don't understand. maybe they think i'm weird or deprived, but
whatever. i've tried paper books and i just don't love them. i guess i just can't appreciate them the way some people can. now
if i actually wrote a book, i'd want that thing printed a hundred times over, but as it is, i'll stick with my ebooks. another
thing is that books are expensive. paper books and ebooks alike, don't get me wrong, but i'll stick to my kindle unlimited books.
fucking love kindle unlimited. though it doesn't really have all the popular booktok and bookstagram books. which is usually just
fine for me because i hate following the crowds on which books to read, but right now i'm being a big fat hypocrite and reading
all the trendy fantasy novels. but yeah. kindle unlimited. amazing.
anyways back to the not following the bandwagon. i have nothing against the books everyone likes. but my favorites tend to be the
more niche ones. not super super niche ok. but like not 1mil reviews on good reads. i guess it's just because of how reading is
my escape you know? how can it be my escape when everyone and their mother is there also? i want to hold my books close to my
chest and never let them leave. never let anyone see them. the characters are for me and me only. i know that's not logical but
it's how i feel. i'll gatekeep my favorite books til the end of time. i'm not a good book club person because i hate talking
about the books i read. again, because i want to feel like those books are mine. like they were written for me. i'm just a
sensitive little bitch really. i don't know if i'm making any sense. i like talking about this here. where no one's likely to
see. or if they do, they don't know me. i'll gladly talk here about my books. where it's just me and a screen. but elsewhere?
no. those are my little treasures. not to be shared with the world. maybe that makes me weird. maybe that makes me greedy. but
i don't care.
another little aside on the sensitive bit, i'm an extreme empath at times it feels like. i cry for all the main characters in my
books. mainly the women of course. ain't gonna cry for no man. but i cry during books that aren't sad, during scenes that aren't
sad. but i just cry. i cry for how people treat my main character you know? like she's taking it like a badass, but i'm breaking
down. oh another thing is that i'm a main character kinda girl. my favorite character will always be the main character so long
as i actually like the book. i can't understand how some people could like side characters better. i will die for my main
characters. really i'm just a sensitive little baby. my mind works just like the authors want it to most of the time. fight for
the main character and fall for the love interest. that's another think. i can't read a book if there's no romance subplot. well
i can. but usually it won't be a favorite. gotta have something. and they have to live happily ever after. of course. i mean i
did love divergent and she freaking died at the end, but whatever. i was really depressed after that. naturally.
i forget what else i was going to say so this is it for now. if anyone out there actually found this and read it all, you're
cool.
Late Night Ramblings
why am i awake right now? every morning i wake up and dread leaving my bed. i want to stay under the covers for days instead of hours and minutes. every day i'm tired beyond belief. i spend my days yawning and yearning for a nap for sleep for something. and then i get there. i get to nighttime and i can't find it. can't find sleep. i have so many thoughts in my head. too many. i read and sometimes those thoughts fall away and i can read myself to sleep. but some nights are like tonight. where i can't shut my brain off when i shut my book off. i make up stories in my head to fall asleep. doesn't everyone? but sometimes those stories don't help. sometimes they're not as comforting as they usually are. sometimes they morph into random scenarios that aren't the specific ones i've designed in my head and then everything is wrong and then i can't sleep because everything is wrong in my head. i make up so many stories that they all blend together and i can't keep my thoughts straight. my anxiety can't turn off my thoughts of reality any more than it can turn of my thoughts of fantasy. so they both end up swirling there. i stress about my classes and my exams and talking to people and meeting people and the trip i'm taking this summer and money and food. i stress and i stress and right along with those thoughts, i dream. i dream i'm not lonely. i dream i'm not weak and awkward and sensitive. my thoughts contradict themselves. and i lay awake. always awake when i just want to sleep. because i'm tired. so tired. i hope i can find it. sleep that is. and i hope that when i wake up tomorrow i wake with some motivation to live. that sounds pretty dark and depressing, but this week has really not been my week. and it's only tuesday.
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